The question of how you should approach the dance floor at a wedding can be answered in a single word: willingly.
To achieve this, we’ll employ the “Ramous Defense.” Remember in The Hunt for Red October when Captain Ramous turned his sub head-on into the path of that oncoming torpedo, thus forcing impact before the warhead could arm itself? Well, dancing at a wedding works the same way.
You know you’re going to end up on the dance floor eventually. So save your wife the trouble of dragging you out there. Beat her to the punch and drag her out to the dance floor at the first opportunity. That way, you earn extra credit from the other wives at your table, who jealously watch you shake your thong, and shoot scornful glances at their own stoic, stationary spouses.
I know it’s difficult, but let’s see if we can help you get over your very rational fear of public jigginess.
If you’ve got self-image issues, just take a minute to think about who might witness your fish-flopping gyrations: Married guests sympathize completely, and your single friends think everything you do within the context of your marriage is ridiculous and embarrassing. You see, there’s no real downside to dancing, and I don’t need to tell you about the downside to not dancing.
Still not convinced? Still picturing yourself in the “dance of the living dead” from Caddysback} Well, I’ve sought out my own personal “dancing guy” and asked his advice. You know the dancing guy, right? Every group of guys has one member who loves to dance. He’s out there cutting loose all night, spinning any number of women around and having a great time. Ever since college, Jeff Goldberg has been our dancing guy.
CB: So, what drives you to dance?
JG: I’m not brave, talented, or an exhibitionist. . . I’m just bored! I’d rather dance than sit around and make small talk with distant relatives¡ªor pretend I’m interested in the life story of the bride’s sister’s best friend’s roommate. I discovered long ago that women like to do two things: dance and talk. Dancing gets me off the hook conversationally.
CB: Most guys are just too embarrassed to get out there. How do you deal with that?
JG: I get really drunk. It may not help my technique, but it eliminates inhibitions and definitely fosters creativity. Remember, dancing is just like putting and sex: Feel is more important than technique.
CB: So you don’t worry about what other people think?
JG: Screw them if they can’t take a joke. That’s my motto and calling card. Look, the dance floor should be filled with single guys trying to hook up and married guys who don’t want to sleep on the couch that night. If anyone else thinks I look ridiculous, what do I care?
CB: Finally, what about an actual dancing technique? Lots of guys just don’t know what to do with themselves. Any suggestions?
JG: First of all, always try to maintain eye contact with your wife while you’re dancing. Lose yourself in her eyes and that’ll make it much easier to relax and loosen up. As far as how to dance or what to do with your hands, just watch the Beastie Boys video for “Hey Ladies” and you’ll be okay.